• Did you know?
• Progression of family involvement
• Do's and Dont's for partners of problem gamblers
• Adult children of problem gamblers
• What to say if someone’s gambling concerns You
• How therapy can help the families and friends of problem gamblers

Did you know?

• More than one-third (35%) of adult problem gamblers have children under the age of 18 living at home.

• Of all callers to the Connecticut Problem Gambling Helpline in 1999, 51.8% reported family or marital conflicts, 63% were having difficulties paying bills, and 77 percent had used their savings to gamble.

• The average current gambling debt of all callers to the Helpline in 1999 was $18,422. The average lifetime gambling debt was $62,514.

• Almost one-quarter (24%) of the adult problem gamblers grew up in a family with a gambling problem.

• Of all calls placed to the Helpline in 1999, 31.4% were from spouses, family members or friends of someone with a gambling problem.

Statistics gathered by the Connecticut Council on Problem Gambling:

Problem and pathological gambling disrupts family functioning. If a member of a family develops a gambling problem, it will affect every member of his or her family.  

How family members interact with one another and the outside world has been explained as a system of checks and balances. Family systems respond to stressful events by making every effort to reduce stress to a tolerable level. Problem gambling by any family member adds stress to the system--and the system reacts. This is one reason problem gambling affects more than just the gambler. It is a family problem that affects everyone.  

The problem gambler’s behavior influences the moods and tension levels of family members. The problem gambler, who uses and needs gambling for many reasons, seldom wants to stop despite the negative consequences. The family seldom wants to see the gambler suffer. To help the gambler stop, many families will attempt to lessen the stress and responsibilities the gambler faces. This pattern is called “enabling.” Although well intentioned, it generally leads to more gambling. Financial strain from out-of-control gambling forces the family to focus on money. Many families will attempt to avoid pain by providing a “bailout”: paying his or her bills and concealing the true nature of the problem from employers, creditors, and other family members. 

Bailouts can be psychological as well as financial. A spouse may at first support the gambler’s denials and rationalizations; after all, compulsive gambling can seem like a stigma for the entire family, and the gambler’s reasoning may sound convincing. When the spouse finally recognizes the gambling problem, he or she may become angry with the gambler following another gambling episode, forgive the gambler, or both. If the spouse becomes angry, the gambler may feel adequately punished and ready to gamble again without guilt--and with the added justification of wanting to get away from a nagging spouse. If the gambler is forgiven, the gambling is in effect condoned and, again, the gambler can feel justified in returning to gambling. Psychological bailouts, just like financial ones, serve to remove responsibility from the gambler for the gambling behavior by separating the gambler from the consequences of his or her gambling. 

As arguments over gambling and other issues increase, so does the level of family tension. Members of the family may begin to hide their feelings, not wanting to “rock the boat” and set off another gambling episode. Children may become quiet and withdrawn, disruptive, or cute and funny, all in an attempt to distract attention from the real family problem. Some children, often the eldest, try to lower family tension by becoming super achievers, getting the best grades, solving problems, and picking up many of the family responsibilities dropped by the gambler. By playing these roles, children in problem-gambling families can suffer in their emotional development and lose self-esteem. 

If the problem gambling continues through enabling, the spouse takes on added family responsibilities and manages the many financial and other stressful issues created by out-of-control gambling. He or she can begin to blame the gambler and, at the same time, enable and condone the gambling behavior. Adults easily vent their anger at children. The children may be pawns in the struggle with the gambler. In most cases, the non-gambling spouse will have less time and fewer emotional resources for the children. In some cases, domestic violence will occur. 

The sexual relationship with the gambler may deteriorate as a reflection of the general deterioration within the marriage and as the urge to gamble overshadows sexual urges. The family as a whole may begin to withdraw from social activities, family gatherings, church, and other sources of support. Not surprisingly, the non-gambling spouse can develop a poor self-image, lose sight of healthful coping strategies, and begin to feel helpless and hopeless

If you think someone close to you may have a gambling problem go to Helpful Questions.

If you wish to know more about treatment and self-help go to Finding Help. 

Progression of Family Involvement with Gambling

Families struggling to cope with problem gambling usually pass through a series of progressively more-painful phases. 

• Phase One
  During the first phase, family members help the gambler deny that any problems exist. They agree with the gambler’s rationalizations and support minimizing the gambling problem. There may be some arguments, but the spouse is easily convinced that she or he is wrong and making a “mountain out of a molehill.”

• Phase Two
  The non-gambling spouse can no longer deny the problem but may continue to wonder whether he or she may be the problem, as the gambler often implies. Arguments and accusations can be interspersed with periods of increasingly tense calm. The family enters a stage of functioning characterized by living “one crisis to the next.”

• Phase Three
  This is the stage of change. The family may break up. Perhaps the gambler is arrested. The gambler may attempt to stop gambling and seek assistance. Change can also occur without the participation of the gambler. Non-gambling family members may seek help for themselves and begin to financially and emotionally detach from the gambling problem. The non-gambling spouse can make efforts to gain direct control of family finances, or at the very least, enough to meet basic family needs. She or he and any children can come to recognize their own personal needs and shift their focus from gambling to a healthful and normal way of living. Family members can begin to separate the gambler’s good attributes from the gambling behavior and express genuine love and concern for the gambler while detesting the gambling behavior itself.

As the family increasingly refuses to accept the stress created by the gambling, the gambler feels more pain. At first, the gambler may strongly resist and make efforts to sabotage changes occurring in the family. It may be hard for family members to persevere in the face of this resistance, but it is important to do so. The gambler may well decide to stop gambling and seek help under these conditions. The spouse and children may decide that although they care for the gambler, they cannot tolerate any more gambling and insist that he or she leave the family. Even if the gambler remains in the family, family members can continue to heal themselves and remain detached from the gambling. By recognizing and fulfilling their own needs, they can continue to hold the gambler responsible for his or her actions and break the cycle of enabling and hopelessness.  

When--and if--the gambler decides to stop gambling, all will not be instantly better. In addition to coping with the typical stresses encountered by every family, the added problems associated with recovering from problem gambling and adjusting to a non-gambling family lifestyle must also be addressed. For example, as the recovering gambler assumes old responsibilities, those who had assumed them in the interim may be reluctant to let them go. As family members gain confidence and self-esteem, however, and as they learn to communicate their feelings, thoughts, and wishes, the family itself becomes more flexible and adaptable to change and can help provide support for the ongoing growth of all family members. 

If you think someone close to you has a gambling problem go to Helpful Questions.

For information about treatment and self-help go to Finding Help.

Do’s and Don’ts for Partners of Problem Gamblers

  Do                     

• Seek the support of others with similar problems; for example, attend a self-help group for families such as Gam-Anon.

• Explain problem gambling to the children.

• Recognize your partner’s good qualities.

• Remain calm when speaking to your partner about his or her gambling and its consequences.

• Let your partner know that you are seeking help for your own sake because of the way gambling affects you and the children.

• Understand the need for Gamblers Anonymous and/or professional treatment for problem gambling despite the time it may involve.

• Ask for control of family finances.

  Don’t            

• Preach, lecture, or allow yourself to lose control of your anger.

• Create the impression that you are somehow a better person than the gambler.

• Make threats or issue ultimatums unless you intend to carry them out.

• Participate in gambling activities with the gambler.

• Exclude the gambler from family life and activities.

• Expect immediate recovery--or that all problems will be resolved when the gambling stops.

• Bail out the gambler.

• Cover-up or deny the existence of the problem to yourself, the family, or others.

If these “do’s and don’ts” seem impossible, you may need support and counseling to help accomplish them. If you would like to speak with a counselor, even if only to have a discussion after reading this information, go to Finding Help. 

Adult Children of Problem Gamblers

• People raised in a problem-gambling family may experience long-lasting and painful emotional and relationship difficulties.

• Adult children of problem gamblers may develop their own gambling or other addiction problems.

Knowing that we were raised in a family in which out-of-control gambling was part of growing up is one thing. Knowing--really knowing--how that experience affects our lives is very different. The long-lasting effects of growing up with a gambler, many of which can lead to later difficulties in everyday adult living, are seldom recognized until painful emotional and relationship difficulties become overwhelming. Sometimes adult children will develop their own gambling or other addiction problems. Until we connect our adult problems with difficulties encountered in childhood, the suffering probably won’t go away. 

Many adult children from problem-gambling families come to realize that their childhood experiences were psychologically overwhelming or, even traumatic. Acknowledging this and seeking assistance to resolve such problems is often an “eye-opener” and starts the path to recovery and a happy, productive life. “Naming” the problem, filling in the missing pieces absent during childhood, expressing long-held painful feelings, and working to develop trusting and safe relationships can lead to healing and health. If you think you may be dealing with some of these issues, and are interested in treatment options go to Finding Help. 

What to Say if Someone’s Gambling Concerns You

A simple and straightforward approach to letting someone know you are concerned is often most helpful. That sounds easier to do than it really is. Not everyone will be thankful that someone cares enough to share his or her concern. None of us can control what a person says or does in reaction to what we say. We can, however, control what we say, how we say it, and where and when we talk to a person about whom we are concerned. 

Although there is no foolproof way to share a concern with another person, the following process has worked well for many people. Read through the following examples, and try them out the next time you want to tell a friend that you are concerned about something he or she is doing. 

• Tell the person that you care and that you feel concerned about the way he or she is acting.

  • “You are a good friend, and I’m upset because I see you doing things that are really risky.”

  • “I love you and don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

• Tell the person exactly what he or she has done that concerns you.

  • “Last night you were going to spend only $20, but you lost more than $300.”

  • “You borrowed $400 from me to gamble with more than four months ago and haven’t paid me back.”

  • “After we had an argument last night, you went out and lost $600 gambling.”

 After you tell the person that you care, what you’ve seen, and how you feel, it is important to be willing to listen to what he or she says. You may find that the person will say nothing. He or she may not have been prepared for this and will not be ready to talk with you. The person may become angry and tell you it is none of your business. Your friend may thank you and agree to make some changes. He or she may tell you about a problem that goes well beyond your ability to be helpful. In all cases, it is important to listen to what the person says. 

• Tell the person what you would like to see him or her do

  • “If you are going to gamble, I want you to set a limit for losses ahead of time and stick to it.”
  • “I want you to talk to someone about your gambling problem.”

• Tell the person what you are willing and able to do to help. Responses can range from simply being available as a good listener to encouraging the person to arrange a meeting with someone who can help. If the person chooses to say nothing, let him or her know that the door is open to discuss this at a future time.

  • “I’m always here if you need a friend to talk with and a hug.”

  • “I won’t lend you money to cover your losses or lie for you, but I will help you find someone who can help you with your gambling problem.”

Remember, the best time and place to talk with someone about an important topic is when you feel comfortable, are not likely to be disturbed, and have plenty of time to talk things through. It is also important to talk when neither of you has been drinking or using other drugs.  

This section, “What to Say if Someone’s Gambling Concerns You,” is excerpted from the Minnesota Institute of Public Health’s booklet “Gambling Choices and Guidelines”.  

Therapy Can Help the Families and Friends of Problem Gamblers

Friends and family of a problem gambler can suffer emotional and financial distress because of a loved one’s gambling. Therapy can help them improve the quality of their lives whether or not the gambler they care about gets help and recovers. The partner and children of a gambler can regain their self-respect and composure in spite of the gambling problem. They can learn to take better care of themselves, to take over the family’s financial matters, and feel more confident in making decisions. When a gambler does stop gambling and enters a period of recovery, his or her family faces learning how to adjust to a new lifestyle and overcome some of the bitterness and insecurities of the past.

If you would like to contact a counselor go to Finding Help.

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